I.

On a day like today

when i am nothing

like i wished i’d be

though i am better for it 

i can’t help but wonder if

it’s enough to be alive

despite life’s confusion, hurt and

hurdles

something within remains true

loyal unchanging

even when

at times

mind body get lost

addicted to a mood

hung upon

shiny alluring things  

clinking chains 

An abuse of the present

On a day like Today

when I feel so open

not enough space in my body to expand into

overflowing into the universe

i know

for a time

life can be fused with so much magic

it can overwhelm and silence 

all those things i gave meaning to

Yet, it is the memory of those moments

that unravel me from somewhere within

as i free fall back into a vast universe

trying to make sense of a crazy experience

time after time

it becomes a struggle to remain open

to smile and feel enough

in a push-and-pull relationship 

when i am never the one in control

II.

But truly,

I think the time has come

to acknowledge:

Darkness has come

it fuels my shadow

it hovers over my dreams

it clouds my judgment 

inertia has sealed all openings

but decay 

yet, it’s amidst darkness that

the brightest purest Light shines

near it, my fears one by one

burn and disappear 

the Light beckons

my shadow resists

it holds onto me 

by my flesh, desires, worries and insecurities 

and drags me back into darkness

On a day like today

I know the time has come

to leap wholly into the Light

and let the old man perish

There was a time when the world was new to me
When I was a blank page
fresh and full of possibilities
Stories and dreams brimming unhindered
An ink away from greatness
Before thoughts of fear and uncertainty
Crystallized and masqueraded as experience
A Preemptive tactic against failure
A delusion

So out of unease and unreadiness
I hid

I hid from the world, from family and friends
Most tragically, I hid from myself
I made myself smaller so others wouldn’t feel threatened
I retreated inwards
A crushed paper in a bin
I refused to shine
Perhaps for fear of being seen
Or perhaps,
For fear of being pinned down and quantified
For fear of finding out I didn’t add up to anything much
Or for fear of dissolving
akin to a drop of sugar in a cup of water
For fear of hearing others call me sweet or other gentle things
And having those things become the standard to live by

But by hiding,
By selling myself short,
I unknowingly
enhanced and inhabited my smallness
I denied myself the chance to soar
I dulled out my light and forgot how to be great
How to answer
the call of every human being to figure out and fulfill their life purpose
The need to be great, not greater than
The need to be all that you can be
To at least try
meet the world unabashedly
with all your talent, passion, and resolve
To wrestle with your limitations and
stay true

***

R.i.p A life truly un-lived
Coming Soon: A gung-ho resurrection

Petulant child Pumped into a vortex of pains and joys
Floating like a cloud,
dissipating on the sheets of eternity.

‘Universe, do you love me? Wind and stars, come out and love me. If I could I’d Capture Time before it lays new eggs. And I’d Gaze at Love without fear… or watery tingling eyes. Only dreams bubbling within…’
And to my surprise,
A gentle whisper…
and Grace, soft
pure and soothing akin to a mother’s embrace but warmer
A pure Love like no other
And Then the illusions of my life ceded their control
deflating like air balloons
Without pills or self-deceit
I am out
I am free
from the belly of the one eyed monster that clawed at my spirit and gobbled me down
Gone are the days when i died and died with no one around
Drifting back and forth in a bottomless pit
Not knowing how to break free
Day after day despair came a crushing, and
God, I was raised to believe,
was everywhere and somewhere above, close yet far from the sinner…

I Regret that belief that made me lonelier

Lately,
I have been growing
into good days…
Of fondness, connectedness and compassion
and it’s gotten easier to breathe
Than to fray and burn
And Now when I think about All the time I spent thinking myself unneeded and useless,
that Time was the biggest Lie

I was never alone
I was never broken
I was never rootless
I was never powerless
I was never unworthy
I was never unloved
Wherever I was, God was
I now can see myself
without judgment
Or fear.
I am, unmistakably I am
In this all too human experience
Let me stay true
to the beauty within
to the thread of light connecting
me to all that is

Not even a line
To say: i don’t write anymore
To 2014, I lost
lost to fear, inaptitude or insecurity
A student of life
always failing

But if I were a tree
I’d be beautiful and inviting
my branches
perches for many a colorful bird
My leaves lush and green
a caress call for the wind
and my sap, a dizzying sunshine sweetness
gods would come fill up their cups
And when I’d bloom, I’d bare my soul’s essence
a soft luminous scent floating into space
My roots would run deep into the dark soil
a bond dating to the early song of beginnings
when the sun was young and life new
And if I were to be cut down
I’d become a chair, or a footstool,…

If I were a tree
I’d know
what it’s like to be useful
What it’s like to belong

 

Amidst eternity

*~* Alternate title and word of the day : Jeremiad

 

 

 

I’m growing up slowly
step by step bits by bits
i’m getting a better grasp of what it is to be alive
though my heart is still immature
though my mind has yet to focus my thoughts
on what’s good –
and desires to conquer and win blurry my sight
Though sadness like a 5th season comes with
a flurry of despair,
i will not yield to or lapse into darkness
there is so much beauty left in this world
I will gather courage and borrow some of God’s strength
Surely, i too can bloom
with sunshine
i can bear good fruit:
“Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and
Self-control”

the one who knows
does not worry about the future
or about the myriad of reasons
condemning him to drudgery

he maybe of mud, but he knows
as long he breathes, he breathes

and when, he loves- he loves
not just when it’s convenient or
comfortable

he does not acclimate
to seasonal pettiness or
begrudge in silence
he speaks his mind

he shows you the end of the road
says “what have you done?”

when you’re trying to hide from your
mistakes or from
all the time wasted

he changes your mind, but will not
cash up on the lies you’ve given him

he may be too late to catch on
on what’s floating in your mind
but he is not indifferent

he sees the good in you
he wishes to read happy endings in
the palms of your hands

but the one who knows
knows he knows nothing at all

he simply puts forward a sincere heart

In between hideousness
slave to all those things that were
meant to free me
time went by quickly
nebulosa
my bright purplish conscience
tomorrow, i will win over the city
i will run all those red eyed gargoyles
out of the city

doors creek
locks weep
i will pinch their noses
and dry their tears
maybe it is a sign of
the familiar times
swarming through
but i hear the rattling sound
of metal cages
embalmed creatures
roaring
flying up to kiss
the hard belly of the monster

oh my nebulosa
screeching sounds
endless they come
from the tv, radio
pastors, furnice,
strangers on the street
and all the few people i know
call it life

nothing phases you either
you’re tightly tucked in
and i shiver like i used to
the sky is blue
trees are green
stop lights are red
and on the other side,
words seem so simple
and when lined right,
they say :

“you’ll be alright”
“I’m thinking of you”
“i Know”
“i’m sorry”
“you’re still growing”
“thank you for being here”
“farewell, I will miss you”

Roots are growing
stark dark
along the walls of my soul
they draw all the clear water
and i plow through memories
looking for that hurling wind
that carried in a seed of
destruction- and
(knocked me down)

from the
first scream of life
to the shock of all things first
to the fading relationships
to the colorful imaginary heroes
to the shadows of death
to the meltdowns
to the isolation
to the refreshing joyful moments
to the blurry vision of love
to the jolts of loneliness

all of it has come so far
entangled and chocked up pitfully
i can’t tell unhappiness from joy
with so much darkness weaved in

at night
when the lights go out
a voice calls for rescue
telling me that I know better than to fall
(close to the tree)
that i am not just rich fertile soil
for disaster to flourish in

with daylight, more roots grow
re-assailed,
i feel routine, i feel borrowed
tacky and useless
like a broken wood toy
vibrating phantom leaves

as every man desires to mend and be whole
I gaze at the sky
hoping for heaven to peek through
and distill the goal of my existence
for i want to be more than the clashing
hues of my essence.

 

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

The sun rises
you hold me tighter
for i’m the one who’s always lost
and because you’re my dream
i hope you’d unravel me
and sew me back together
i’d better, i’d be beautiful
down to my ligaments
down to my mind
and when i slide
my undergarments back on
i’d believe that i’m kind of
a challenge, an intriguing riddle
a kind of virtue
and joy will always find me
when i close my eyes
(but) i go back to the dance
the urgency of a late night song
the yearning-
heart beats, collarbones and lips
in the silent words of your
almond shaped eyes
i read the world
and I, forever a passenger
a guest
wait

you were sparks and burning flames
a mixture of colors
a sky blushing
briefly
with your existence –
always blood red

Born with fever
you could not drag yourself away from the
worlds of peaked suns and sirens
you were never you even when you tried

for all the love you got
left you hungry still
starving
you had a bite of rotten fruits
and the rot stuck
bound
you were never sure if
you’d cut deep enough
you sprayed your youth into the air
your feet barely touched the ground that
you were already in the air exploding

…and your ashes are everywhere
sticking to the people you loved

settling in a way you never could

 

the way he moves
he is no ordinary man
he is male
from glossy magazines
air brushed topless perfection
ignominous beauty
he is a top chart pop song
catchy sexy
and like a radio tune,
he is on constant replay
he is got the appeal of a high on demand commodity and
the confidence of a high price tag-
he is a wave of heat
brainwashed and out of control,
i want to buy naughty lingerie
and master the complex art of classy slutterie-
his eyes, his cheeky smile have me screaming for his name,
Abs?Brad?Carnal?Daniel?Etc…
my nails turn into claws
for a night or two
on his altar, i will lay the gifts
of my body,
and if he wants to i’ll throw in
my heart soul and pride
i just want to be closer
and if he be cloud, i’d be rain
i want to see
his machinery at work, give it a running
my skin is already ablaze
i am a decadent pretty pretty please
but who made up the rules
we are on opposite shores
if he’d just close his eyes, there is nothing we
couldn’t do-
i’d be the award in his hand at the VMA-
his acceptance speech and
his afternight party

In a not so different space
under a blinding light
we revealed ourselves with ease
we hummed our truths about God’s plan
and raised our glasses to an incandescent bond
that we knew could go out any time

night after night
we’d meet to share the hurt, the happy, the ugly in our minds
we’d light up, flicker, and light up again
we’d dust ashes off our faces and make choices:
to live unquestioning or rekindled
night after night
we were born and born again

we swore off
regret
despair
doubt
confusion
loathing

be it in a pond or the big sea
we swore we would swim a beautiful swim
we wouldn’t live small lives
floundering pitfully drearily
and when the going gets tough
we wouldn’t run the way robbers and murders do;
without looking back-
we’d give all we have to give
and let it be

we may lose few more hair, gray the rest and
grow dizzy with loneliness
we’d still hold onto our souls and
quietly stand in his warm light

back then
thinking of God was our happiness
but as we lived life
our grace wore off, and one day
we found ourselves at an insurmountable distance away from God
i bewildered with a gradual fear of Him,
and you, my friend, unraveling and feeling
too small, too resentful to stand in his presence,
we each found reasons and excuses
why couldn’t be what he had hoped we’d be

yet a part of us lingers on
hopelessly searching
through the winding alleys of our past
for the God we knew
but perhaps if we had accepted who
we were becoming,
imperfect shadowy puerile and messy
we would have found God still
unchanged and accessible

while walking through a park, a feeble light peeked through
trembling branches, and like that
strange thoughts came to my mind
“if someone had believed in me would i
be less lacking, fragile, nervous,…

would I have the confidence to be
a woman
a wife or
a human being

[life is erasing me before I even get
to say “ah, I’m alive”]

would i be greedier or stronger
believing that there is a space for me to be,
a higher place to climb, a hand to reach out to

instead of fearfully catching my breath
throughout the day

would i be more loving
would i be more grounded”

[but mind and heart reason trying to assuage each other]

they were probably like me
busy in their thoughts
caught up in their…
Desires? Hopes? Problems?
but What about me?

[I do not wish to count the nails on my coffin or tally their faults to
justify my own failings.
But where does it leave me?
between the hammer and the anvil?
or am i the hand that pummels and plunders?]

who am I not seeing
who am i not believing in
who am i encouraging
who do i approve of
or are we forever teetering around the same spots,
giving and receiving scars, learning how to fall on our knees or
how to sweep our feet with someone’s else pride

[I’ve built myself inside empty rooms
I grew up cold
but more of snow than ice,
I am self aware]
***

Summary of thoughts:
is a full stomach a happy stomach?
Not according to scientists/doctors and other know-it-all
so always leave a little space
and remember the heart is just another organ
do you ever hear the brain complaining?
as for the metaphorical heart, well, …
oh never mind
i lost track again
i rarely know what i truly mean
i must be disingenuous at heart
or just scatterbrained or both
but as they aptly say/describe
cats meow
dogs bark
cows moo
lions roar
pigs grunt
etc…
but what do humans do?
they carry all different sounds
thus have no true sound
so i’m done hissing my truth,
and hence leave you with filtered untruths
or something like that

no matter what generation we disavow
youth is a terrifying tide of a thousand light years of turpitude
prowling and laughing
crying and whining

from pier to anchor
electric lamps to small towns
we’re full of imperfect ideas
into a tunnel we stare at shadows
dreaming of the day, we’ll wake up into
a light, worship and be true

Out of harms way
we’ll empty our cups and welcome the flow of the universe
we’ll not settle scores and further spread ourselves thin
or thicken ourselves with selfish pursuits

The world will not grate on our spirits or oversee our minds-
we’ll not revere in delusion
we’ll reach out to the love watering our roots

We’re ageing children, the feathers on our wings keep falling out
but we’ll be what we were meant to be
at the end of our lines
we will billow into the sky and soak up the warm light