Belonging

fear
in the morning
at the drive through
when i plastered on a convincing smile
it loomed over my head
it came in
and i creaked like an old door

Still a kid
on the playground,
it approached me
surrounded all my toys
it took over my childhood
and made me lonely
wondering in a corner why
i couldn’t be bright and
carefree

always out of my element
awkward on my two feet, and when
i sat, i sat on the edge of a seat
almost falling down
i gnawed on my fingernails
till drops of blood came out

when i was alone,
i listened to the silence
it was overwhelmingly alive
full of secrets and countless
memories

i thought to myself,
out there, there is a kid
who hears silence scream
exactly like me
when night comes,
all the restless sounds
teem in darkness
bless that child
cover her/his ears till all
the fear washes away

some day, i believed,
i won’t mind the (memories of)
stomach aches or chest pains
but they lasted so long,
i couldn’t wait for it to make sense
i pushed myself out of the world,
i canceled everything out
floating above people, jobs, and countries  
the only way i knew that i still care was a
purposeless fear that stack to everything i
did

I’ve been absent for so long
i do not know how to walk with others
anymore, i’m not sure if I still can

and when i think of that child
i want to say

Me too
i have been there
though i’m still in that pit like world
i’m slowly making my way out
though i’m still leading a swing like
existence- going up and down –
back and forth
I’ve decided,
I won’t loathe my overly somethingness
i won’t run away anymore
i won’t avoid or wait
brick by brick, i will build
a house of confidence
I hope I can grab on light and not let go
I do not wish to lose to myself anymore

I want to say

Me too
i’m capable of warmth and love

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