Belonging

poetry

fear
in the morning
at the drive through
when i plastered on a convincing smile
it loomed over my head
it came in
and i creaked like an old door

Still a kid
on the playground,
it approached me
surrounded all my toys
it took over my childhood
and made me lonely
wondering in a corner why
i couldn’t be bright and
carefree

always out of my element
awkward on my two feet, and when
i sat, i sat on the edge of a seat
almost falling down
i gnawed on my fingernails
till drops of blood came out

when i was alone,
i listened to the silence
it was overwhelmingly alive
full of secrets and countless
memories

i thought to myself,
out there, there is a kid
who hears silence scream
exactly like me
when night comes,
all the restless sounds
teem in darkness
bless that child
cover her/his ears till all
the fear washes away

some day, i believed,
i won’t mind the (memories of)
stomach aches or chest pains
but they lasted so long,
i couldn’t wait for it to make sense
i pushed myself out of the world,
i canceled everything out
floating above people, jobs, and countries  
the only way i knew that i still care was a
purposeless fear that stack to everything i
did

I’ve been absent for so long
i do not know how to walk with others
anymore, i’m not sure if I still can

and when i think of that child
i want to say

Me too
i have been there
though i’m still in that pit like world
i’m slowly making my way out
though i’m still leading a swing like
existence- going up and down –
back and forth
I’ve decided,
I won’t loathe my overly somethingness
i won’t run away anymore
i won’t avoid or wait
brick by brick, i will build
a house of confidence
I hope I can grab on light and not let go
I do not wish to lose to myself anymore

I want to say

Me too
i’m capable of warmth and love

coffee stained insecurity

poetry

domino like,
one thing lead to the next:
from the spilled coffee
to the fear
to the looks
that turned into glances
and finally into whispers,
followed by giggles
which only lead to stammering,
stuttering,
hemming,
hawing,
lying,
and intellectual posing,
driving home my dominance,
driving home their ignorance,
counting the moments
until I was done
and could escape back
to the safety of my office
secure within my
collapsible,
impregnable,
fabric fortress
where it all ended,
once again,
in tears
because it’s hard to make it
and even harder to fake it
when i’m wearing my confidence
on my coffee stained sleeve.