i feel it down below
and soon i’ll have to let go,
letting it me and everything consume
by reminding me of what all looms;
but before i can let it have full sway,
i still need to work this day away,
without giving in to the mind-knumbing panic
that i know will cause me to become manic.
i know i shouldn’t;
i shouldn’t.
I Shouldn’t!
I SHOULDN’t!!!
but it feels so good,
so perfect, so right,
to scratch, to dig,
to rip away the skin
until it bleeds
and scabs
and bleeds once more,
when i scratch once again;
and again.
Again.
AGAIN…
but being at work
makes it hard to get away
for enough time to really,
really enjoy the pooerful sensation
of hard work paying off,
of finding reward in straining:
to do what’s right,
in the right way,
at the right time.
three years it has been,
twelve changing seasons,
and more seasoned years to come.
the summer’s close
is drawing near
and i would like
nothing more
than to dig in my heels
and stay right here
in the glorious summer,
reminiscent of my youth,
where there is no work
and there is no time,
where responsibility
is just a word
and does not concern me,
at least for the summer,
the beautiful summer
where anything is possible.
you were the kindest person
i had ever known,
and you just so happened
to also be a conniving lier,
lying to everyone
for who knows how long,
lying to yourself
to keep your self-perception focused
on the good that you did
on how you served everyone unceasingly
on how you gave openhandedly
on how you loved unabashedly
on how you always put others first;
until that one night when
for once you acted
for yourself
alone,
with a .45 to the brain.
does that change
who you were?
who you are?
the unbelievable happened,
surprising all who heard,
leaving only questioning thoughts
of the “what the fuck?” type,
along with tears,sighs,moans,groans…
two weeks ago minus a day,
enlightenment happened,
burying all who loved her
in a grave of information,
learning her history,
that most had never known,
bringing more tears,sighs,moans,groans…
two weeks ago today,
the inevitable happened
and she went away
for (her?) good,
leaving everything and everyone
behind and alone with tears,sighs,moans,groans…
the wailing may be over
but the weeping has only begun,
and the only thought that comes
in the early morning hours
and late into the night
is that she’s gone
and won’t be coming back,
no matter what anyone wants
because this is what she wanted.
when everything
piled together
becomes too much,
what is there to do
but to lock up one’s feelings,
to lock up one’s thoughts,
to do away with one’s humanity
and become something hard
that can’t feel the pain
of a lost love,
of a lost child,
of a lost friend,
gone for good,
for no good reason.
when i first saw them,
all i could see was him
sitting quietly,
defeated and in shock,
surrounded by those he loved
and who loved him best,
but utterly alone,
lost in his own thoughts
and dark memories.
no one had anything to say,
except for “i love you,”
whispered in a hug
or with a brief touch,
trying not to break
the silence that we all knew
would soon be broken in shouts
of painfrustrationdisbeliefanger,
as the realization washed over us all
staining our minds and memories
to match the blood covering his hands.
heart pounding
breath burning,
running through the pain
running through the frustration,
finding peace on the other side,
after getting my heart started again.
monday,
steriotypically conspired
to ruin my attitude,
taking all of its best shots, like:
long work-days
throwing-up wives
unwarranted depression
unaccountably cold rooms
unexplainable hostility;
when will it be time
for bed?
July came
with reduced heat
but plenty of shine,
flexing its thermal muscles,
ramping up
to what will be unbearable,
giving good reason
to flee northward
and not return
till fall’s respite.
just like that,
gone before
i knew it was here,
gone again
like all the others,
with not much accomplished
with not much changed,
except for me,
somethings changed
inside of me.
tantalizing clouds
hold out hope of rain;
perhaps there will be fireworks.
is my constant hope
surveying my transformed life;
is there more than this?
over seven years,
i watched you grow
and watched you learn
what love could be,
and now i return
to your beginning
in preparation to witnessing
your penultimate story;
because i know so well
how it all will end,
i can’t help but wonder
what premonitions you had
and whether you were aware
of your maker’s plan,
just like i hunger to know
God’s plan for me.
put it all in the bag;
it all is filthy
from the accumulated use
of these last two weeks
from everywhere we’ve been
and everywhere we’ve gone
and from when we stayed in
sweating in the Texas heat;
clean out your closet
and find the set of clothes
that you’d been saving out
for just the right time
that never seems to come
before the next laundry call;
so put it in the bag
along with your dreams;
i bring you home a basket
all nice and neat,
folded and ready to be put away,
all snugglable and reeking
of cleanliness and sanitization
so that all of the character
has been washed away
by laundry day.
why i always feel this way
i can’t really very clearly say
for after all you’re just a man
and not very tall when you stand
but whenever i’m in your presence
my mind is filled with interference
and i can’t think of anything to say
to make my reticence go away
which only makes the situation more awkward
as i watch our relationship move backward.
slowly returning to consciousness,
confusion reigns,
as my muddled mind tries to sift
through too many thoughts at once,
not coming to any answers
but only being left with
fuzziness, perplexity, and sweatiness,
having no idea how i slept this long
and no idea who i am even,
except that my head wants to explode,
and my eyes don’t seem to work,
and every sound is only white noise,
so that thinking just one thought
takes me nearly as long as it would
a person of normal intelligence.
the sieve and the sand 
You must be logged in to post a comment.