the world is incalculable by any one man
as much as we tried wasting our youth
tossing ideas around like large numbers
on the chalk-board of a mathematician
all threads seem to come screeching to a halt
at some point,
eventually

the one thing, i think
it has been agreed by all
that the best place to drive
your car is in the middle
of the lane

but more than that
the double yellow line must be
treated with respect
and at times,
by rule of the gun

man made the gun to be used when there
is no sense to be had
when it comes down to just you and another
on a dusty plane anywhere at all
and at that moment self-preservation is
the only truth to be had at

this increasingly is how i’ve begun
to see things in general
and i say this to you, now, specifically

sleep with your gun my friend
sleep with your gun and hold it with your heart
sleep with the gun you built yourself
by thinking and feeling every hour of every day
like i know you do
and when nothing makes sense and nothing is upright
when they are saying “no it is six oclock” and your eyes
tell you it is ten
when they are saying “no the grass is green” when you
see it brown
when they are cancer in your blood
when they become you and you become them

pull that fucking trigger
first and keep yourself
alive

this is why man made the gun
for when all else fails
it alone is to be respected
and to whoever holds it
life,
still.

I wish I could tell you
What a joy it would be
To drive down B Avenue with you
As the colors change

I am afraid of a million things
that haunt my dreams
and creep around my edges
as I lay awake at night

My second biggest fear
is that you are working hard
on forgetting about me

My biggest fear is that
you already have

I consume so much
lately I fail to stop and draw the roses
myself
I sniff and breathe
view, appreciate, enjoy,
and fail to create. and fail to create. and fail to create.
allowing all the beautiful roses to be representations of others
failing to give back

well shit. no more.

I dreamed we were sailing
On a holiday cruise

You smiled under red-framed sunglasses,
My hair stayed blowing steadily in my face and eyes

Your fingers touched my arm
and through The wind and spray I felt whole

But then darkness overtook me;
I must have been thrown overboard

When I awoke, I did so gasping on dry land
Wrapped in the folds of the blanket you gave me

You are delicate and tender
with a heart too large,
with a soul too beautiful.

You are a whole truth
and a force of beauty;
you are uncontainable.

You inspire and incite
a passion I could not know
before I met you.

Your smile lifts my spirit,
your touch can cure me instantly
of all of my woe and sadness.

But if you need to cure yourself
then I can only waste your medicine.

If you need to stand and soldier
than I can only get in your way.

If you must be alone right now
then I must be alone as well,

and I hope you read this poem,
so you know that I will wither
if it means that you will thrive.

And as a fencer
you’ll master every parry;
they won’t be enough

My guts are hungry.
I will deprive them
of what they desire,
because they are my guts.

My muscles are lazy.
I will bend them
to my harsh will,
because they are my muscles.

This is what it takes
to be more than a
sniveling pile of meat
bobbing about like it’s
something special

Or at least I hope it is

I am just a man.
Nothing more, nothing less;
Oh, please forgive me

I am a proud man
full of virtue, I am sure,
and prone to ignorance

I thrive on the meat
that is selfishness;
I wallow in the ichor
that is my own petulance

I always know better
and if you ask me
I will tell you just that

Never mind that you have
trained your whole life.
Never mind that I have
only read a couple messages
on a message board

I am a proud man
and I am human garbage,
so it should be no surprise
if you toss me out.

Among the nimbi,
That is where I’d like to be;
Evaporating

A pathetic shell
wrapping fragile flesh and blood;
I’m lost without you

Castles made of sand
fall regardless of the sea
eventually

You can wrap my lifeless corpse
in any fucking flag you’d like
before you set it on fire
and roll it
in to your favorite lightless precipice,
Which I would guess to be your soul

you beat the floor with your
feet to a special internal rhythm
i don’t know what for maybe
just to expel the extra energy
your body produces in case
you were in the savannah,
searching for berries at the
tooth-end of biology
the giant monsters that
forced you in doors

and the ripples from the waves
you throw around into the air
hit all but affect little
and i think you think that is what
you’re moving for but maybe it’s
not and you know no one is really
listening and that what really matters
is that the grass grows green outside

ed the janitor knows
he mowes it
once a week
and a million other
eds know
that the grass just
grows and grows
incessently
greenly outside

no matter what you do

I would start over at the beach
with my heart tied in to knots

But I would make every mistake
just the same way I made it the first time
except with a bit more certainty

Even though I would know
I was wrong

I spend time inside
my mind
where It’s as cold as I remember
but I can’t quite see
the ocean from where I sit
so I crane my neck
but I’m at the end
of my literal actual rope
and as sweat beads down my face
despite the frozen breeze
I forget all the love I’ve had
as my muscles bulge larger
and darkness overtakes me

And I know nothing here in this black
so I don’t care when the others come
to take me
even though I would fight
but there’s just no fight left in me
dead like this.