I’m not sick,
and yet i’m home
as my class begins
in exactly 1 minute,
and while i sit,
distracting myself,
it still does not work
becasue in the back
of my mind all i can do
is think about the mountain
of papers, of work
sitting just to my left
beckoning to me
calling to me
convincing me to work,
despite my laziest misgivings.

if only it had never happened
i could go on in peace,
but i one upped you,
embarrassed you,
showed you up,
and though i should exult
in my intellectual victory,
all i’m left with is fear
that i will pay for this,
one day soon.

trying to be made less so
by meaningless talk
about anything
whatsoever,
just to fill the void
of silence that will descend
if for even a moment we
let down our guard,
let the silence lengthen,
let the awkwardness
of everything left unsaid
descend and change everything.

Between the head
and the heart,
the guts lie
and the gut feeling
that i don’t have the guts.

Why must all of the heroes
displayed on TV today
be not heroes at all
but merely humans
in the right place
at the right time
doing the right thing
for the wrong reason?

Where are the heroes of old,
men of renown and power,
unwavering in their ability
and in their integrity,
the supermen of society,
too good to be reality,
but who in their fictionality
showed the rest of humanity
a metaphor of what life could be.

to purposely seek rejection,
as I am now,
must be the mark
of positively,
incorrigible,
mental illness,
worse even
than asking out
the most popular
girl in school.

looking back, fifty years out
inept professors will make
their names off our angst.

I don’t want
to be poor;
I don’t want
to be rich;

I don’t want
to be bored;
I don’t want
to be boring;

I don’t want
to be listless;
I don’t want
to be committed;

I don’t want
to be responsible;
I don’t want
to be useless;

I don’t want
to be my father;
I don’t want
to be alone;

But all of this exact knowledge
as to what I do not want
is in no sense equal
to having the faintest idea
as to what I do want
or who I want to be.

I want to be cool
I want to be fun

I want to be respected
I want to be a good son

I want to have a reason
I want to have a plan

I want to be liked
I want to be your man

I want to be envied
I want to have a heart

I want to be cultured
I want to be smart

I want to be chained
I want to be free

I want to be rich
I want life to be easy.

But all of these small wants
only show a mosaic
of my impenetrable, true desire,
be that God, purpose, faith
truth, sex, money, power
friends, family, love,
or what?

what to do
what to do
what will i
ever, ever do
but sit here
and watch
and play
and dodge away
the entire day.

i want to smoke
i want to swear
i want to escape,

the hum-drum,
ordinary,
day to day;

to find more
to do more
to be more,

but for now
i’d settle
for just a good smoke.

i offend
you offend
we both offend,

and it just keeps going
with every word we say
with every move we make;

hurting and digging,
long after we have forgotten
the reason why this all started

but just wishing
that we can be apart
so that this can all stop;

so the night progresses
seemingly interminably,
until we unite in bed.

it goes rmmrmmm
and it goes bmmbmmm
calling unwanted attention
to my self-disclosing mid-section
despite my attempts to
hush and shush and
my muttered “shut-up stupid stomach!”s