The Spider

While out walking in the woods,
I stumbled into a silken web,
soon I became entangled in all my finery,
not a damn thing I could do in my suit,
my entrapment made worse by my thrashing,
only until I tired did I fully realize what this meant,
trapped, in a giant web,
where did this come from,
oh please lord please,
tell me this can’t be real…

and then my nightmares became reality,
and then did my horror begin to rise,
the fear crept over me, inch by inch,
Ensnared by a giant killer queen,
and I froze as I stared into its many eyes

It’s great jaws gnashing in hungry delight,
the hairs on it’s bulbous body bristled,
and it’s fangs glistened brightly, deadly.

All my life I’ve been terrified
by spiders.
All my life I’ve been afraid
of their killing principles.
And I’ve fallen into her trap,
fallen into her web.
But now,
I cannot fight.

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Trust me

Trust,
a tricky word,
a tricksy idea,
a gift to give,
a gift to receive,
unfamiliar to me, I never give,
Always a liar,
So you’ll have to trust me when I say I’m not lying.

Birth

She looked at me through smoke.

Exhaled, brushed past her lips.

The shock of her gaze, stopping me dead,

What things could she teach me?

It was there, at that moment,

I was born.

Squalling and red, bursting into life,

After years of solitude,

I drew my first breath

Light flooded my eyes

And I saw the nudity,

The reality. The truth.

The innocence of life.

Simplicity.

And I saw my previous perspective again,

An eight legged beast,

Gnashing its jaws. Ready to devour

Any innocence I might have had.

What hell did I stare into?

What heaven has eluded me?

I beg for life.

Here I sit,

Watching greatness on television,

Inhaling smoke to get high,

Inhaling smoke to get low,

Already low in a dark canyon,

Looking at the sun,

Too high up, as to be a pinhole in a black sheet.

I light a candle to see,

Light a cigarette to breathe,

Take a sip calm,

Take a hit to feel.

I’m lost in the darkness,

Holding the walls to guide me.

Hunger

My stomach growls,
it’s rumbling call,
beckons for sustenance,
something to fill it,
bread and hard cheese
with wine. I never knew
how much of a void
was within me. But,
no matter how much
I force down
my gullet,
no matter how much
I chew and swallow,
the void grows wider.
Blacker. Deeper.
The delights I craved,
no longer slake.
The delights I crave,
will not abide.
Lodging in my throat,
compelling controlling chokes.
Christ it burns…
But it’s worth the effort.
And one can hope,
that one day I’ll be sated.
Fat and happy.
Dozing,
ready for a nap.

The Teacher

Ineffective, inefficient,
how useless I really am,
weak and pushed around,
I’ve had too much,
enough,
but my passiveness
does not allow me,
I do not know,
how,
to stand up,
to fight back,
to grow tall.
I’m pulled down,
by the creepers,
shaded out,
by the tall trees,
I cannot grow,
until I have some light.

I do not lie confused

I will not lie,
I am terrified of my surroundings,
hidden dangers lurking,
just behind the closet door,
regrets hovering just above my ceiling fan,
waiting for the next rotation,
to insert their doubts,

just last night I dreamt a very sweet dream,
it dealt with death and dying,
decay and decomposition,
my body melted away into carbon,
and I was happy to be rid of these emotions,

did we make the right choice?
by diving head first into the lake,
little did we know of the rocks just beneath the surface,
and when our hearts are pulverized by the waves,
the fishes will eat what’s left

there’s confusion in my mind,
not knowing what it wants,
to reach, to grab, to scrabble,
for just that touch,
awash,
lost,

She stood on a high hill,

standing in her high heels,

the earth beneath her undulating,

wind whipping her hair, breathing,

the past behind on the sunset,

the future ahead on the sunrise,

birds soar and wheel in nothing,

free…

No price to pay,

only laughter and joy,

she laughed,

like the bird,

she has wings,

like the bird,

she has freedom,

so beautiful,

her smile

Drip….Drip….Drip….

In desperate times we strive,
to reach for the stars,
when we know all we can do is touch the ceiling,
touch the popcorn walls,
with buttery fingers our dreams slip,
slide,
we have no grasp,
just an idea of a dream,
a dream of an idea,
idyllic imaginations,
reach, reach,
rise, rise,
these dreams are melting,
faltering,
d
r
i
p
s
y
d
r
o
p
s
y
place my cup underneath the falls,
sip from the chalice,
and open up these walls,
a toast to dreams,
here’s to the forgotten…

I walked out the front door today,
to set out on the lonely road,
a quest to find myself,lo
a quest to unburden my load,
I went searching for peace,
I went searching for answers,
What lies ahead,
what lay beneath,

I dusted the cob webs,
from my darkened mind,
lit a candle or two,
to cast some light,
to shed some light,
to see what I might find,
I tried so hard to find my secrets,
to hide my lies,

what words were inside,
that little paper book,
what surprises I did find,
to see your name emblazoned,
stared in awe as it shined,
saw the whole truth,
spoke the whole truth,
and now I can never lie,

I walked out the front door today,
to set out on the lonely road,
a quest to find myself,
a quest to unburden my load,
I went searching for peace,
I went searching for answers,
What lies ahead,
what lay beneath,
my questions answered,
my quest complete,
I still walk the lonely road,
though not so lonely

teeth

Laughing at you,
to your face,
as you lie behind your smile,
lie through your teeth,
spreading lies with your wagging tongue,
protected by your teeth,
but what happens when your teeth start to rot?
coated with candied rumors,
they start to rot?
blackening they fall out,
one by one,
and you chew on your own teeth,
chew on your own lies,
you’ll be left with nothing but gums,
and a wagging tongue…

A Lazy Sunday Afternoon Spent Talking With God

In a tenement,
surrounded by kindred spirits,
we gathered for a holy rite
in a room divided by time,
I ingested God and waited…

Shadows passed through the door,
some to eat, some to sell,
and some to buy…
All familiar faces or people from memories
people I never knew,
shadows, just shadows…

And on God’s terrace with veiled eyes,
I watched the clouds make love
and disappear.
I saw a flag flapping against the wind
and a hurricane in the trees.
On the ground more shadows,
faces and memories.
In the distance birds called softly
and before the memories rode away
they waved and laughed one final time…

Going for a walk in the streets

Somethings

There are some things that are lost…
forever,
or momentarily…
so I suggest you hold onto that moment…
suckle at it until it’s gone…
grasp at it until the air is stale….
taste it until the sour dissolves….
I will hold onto you,
I will hold onto you forever…
Somethings aren’t meant to last,
somethings are meant to last,
in memory,
in heart
in soul…
what are you?

Tell Me….

Tell me what am I to you?
Am I a cloud rolling through,
whatever your imagination deems me to be?
A bubbling, frothing image back dropped by the evening sky?
One moment I’m the evening sun,
the sparkle in the night sky,
the next, I’m the nightmare you’re running from…
Tell me…
What am I to you?
What do I mean?

Sitting on the toilet, typing, thinking, letting my thoughts flow through my fingers…..

What’s on my mind tonight?
What isn’t?
long gangly fingers gripping,
clutching,
my throat…
the nails they dig and scrape,
and dig and scrape,
till there’s no meat left,
no flesh, just bone…
But I grin,
and laugh,
it’s good to cackle in death’s face,
great to spit in those empty eyes,
who needs it?

What’s on my mind tonight?
What isn’t?
Just thoughts in passing,
synapses firing,
consciousness audible,
cognitive dissonance blaring….
I can’t hear for my own thoughts,
doubts,
fears…..

Off the top…

This is my dope,

it fills my blood

and forces these words

vomit on the page….

My dope,

the smoke, it chokes

and burns your eyes.

You can’t cry.

It clogs your thoughts,

it clogs your arteries.

Arteries and areolas.

Blood and milk.

Blood and tears,

blood and semen…

My dope….

it takes me down trails I’ve never been on,

some good,

and some hell…

but I go where it tells me…

trust in something

that’s what I do…

Put faith in something

that’s what I do…

My dope?

It’s my words,

my thoughts,

me feelings…

It’s all from the heart.

It’s all off the top…

Off the top…

Room 2514, on the bay, in the sky…

Here, in room 2514, I light my bowl for the sun,

for the day,

for

my mind,

here in room 2514, I found my love,

my soul,

my sanity…

Before room 2514, before you,

there was nothing but blackness,

nothing but cynicism,

agony,

And even though I light my bowl, to escape,

to enlighten,

to expand,

I run to you.

In room 2514 I saw the sun rise,

for the first time,

in my 24 years,

for the first time,

in my existence,

there is light.

What once was, always is

it used to be so funny

how I wanted to grow up

tall, dark, and handsome

surrounded by beautiful women and money

lighting cigars off the green backs

supplied by a playboy bunny

Now life passes me, us, by

and every truth ever told

has no value, doesnt sparkle like gold

lies were the truth to me,

its all I was ever told

they flowed like water from the nile

abundant as they were

they never really satiated us kids,

more,

 

Now its so hard to live without those lies,

covering up any insecurity, doubts, regrets

and everytime I see my memory

I laugh, and thank whoever it may be

that the lies set me up to fail

failure is hard, life is harder

but once you fall flat you can only look up, hope

thanks, mom, dad,

for such a wonderful life

There is no air here,

we drank it all up in our revelry.

The windows were down,

blowing our ashes across the road.

Town to town we snaked our way

to what,

we call happiness.

Not knowing the road maps venom,

blinded by our wish to pioneer into lost lands

but gravity kept us grounded and reality.

well, reality is relevant…

I never even left…