if and when


If and when
i die I hope i’m laughing,
god knows i’ve seen my share of sadness.
i say if and when, because
i’m not really certain.
it’s all confusing to me,
how things work and why they do,
so i don’t really know what’s going on.
i just try to laugh, but lately,
lately that laughter doesn’t come,
and that’s not me, no not me.
i would hold a candle in vigil,
vigil for me,
but where am i?
i’m still looking, hey! still looking.
hide and seek with my soul.
all i know,
is that i’ll find me where the laughter is.
in the future, or
in the past.
i can’t die, not until then.

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