Most Nights Now

October 3, 2015

‘let’s not do anything too drastic’
I say to myself most nights now
and instead of venturing forth
into the darkness with a gun
on my hip and cheap whiskey
in my gullet I swaddle myself
in the folds of a blanket that
radiates with memories so warm
they quickly overwhelm me
and as I lay with half-closed eyes
staring at the wall while
a sad old record hums through
the speakers of my stereo
I wonder if perhaps a spot of
hot hooch and some adventure
isn’t actually drastic enough


September 30, 2015

Every forty minutes or so
It happens

Liquid starts to swell
Behind the corners of my eyelids
And begins to push outward
Threatening to escape
In front of everyone

I have never been such an avid blinker

But the blinking only partially belays
The sad parts leaking out. Hell,
it doesn’t even really stop the water

And even though this only happens
Every forty minutes,
The water is always bubbling up

John Coltrane

September 26, 2015

One day
I hope to be
half as tempered,
half as true

Until then
I will try to try
and dream
of distant planets

Marry Me

September 18, 2015

‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you’
I would say, never giving away how coy I was

Those words chosen carefully each time,
always avoiding the one that really matters,
for to invoke it would surely give away
my secret plans

Now I sit alone, and those words which were
chosen with such calculation ring dead and hollow

I worry that I was too late after all
and now this jewel will sit forever,
as it melts a hole in bottom of my dresser drawer

We Are All Playing Soccer

September 16, 2015

There is a ball in play
and a ticking timer
somewhere on the sideline

Every single one of us
is winded and panting,
our hands on our knees

We are not struggling
to stay upright, it’s
not quite as bad as that

but our joints ache and
our hearts are thumping
every lung is wheezing

Each of us thinks to ourselves
‘I’m way out of my league.
There are younger men than me

‘And healthier, too. Perhaps
I should get off the pitch
and let those young men have a go’

Then the ball goes spinning this way
just outside of your immediacy
so you dash for it, kicking wildly

You do not score a goal on that play
or many other plays, really.
You stumble a lot and you’re tired

But the truth is, even in this
complete state of disarray
there is wholeness on that soccer pitch

The truth is, even as we struggle
to keep our bodies moving and our
hearts beating and our lungs full of air

Even as we miss each shot and
whiff each kick, we are playing,
and you can’t win if you don’t play

I would spend each night
dreamless, or at least
I did not know my dreams

or if I knew my dreams
they were dark dreams.
They were black ink
that washed across my world

Now I spend each night
dreaming, or at least
I know my dreams

They are wonderful dreams,
too; we are happy and
healthy and smiling

I think that I dream
the rest of the time now, too,
and before I must have been dead

The dead don’t dream so much,
I think, and this waking dream
so often makes me feel
like I’m dying


September 6, 2015

I wish I could tell you
What a joy it would be
To drive down B Avenue with you
As the colors change


September 6, 2015

I am afraid of a million things
that haunt my dreams
and creep around my edges
as I lay awake at night

My second biggest fear
is that you are working hard
on forgetting about me

My biggest fear is that
you already have


September 4, 2015

I dreamed we were sailing
On a holiday cruise

You smiled under red-framed sunglasses,
My hair stayed blowing steadily in my face and eyes

Your fingers touched my arm
and through The wind and spray I felt whole

But then darkness overtook me;
I must have been thrown overboard

When I awoke, I did so gasping on dry land
Wrapped in the folds of the blanket you gave me

I hope you read this poem

September 2, 2015

You are delicate and tender
with a heart too large,
with a soul too beautiful.

You are a whole truth
and a force of beauty;
you are uncontainable.

You inspire and incite
a passion I could not know
before I met you.

Your smile lifts my spirit,
your touch can cure me instantly
of all of my woe and sadness.

But if you need to cure yourself
then I can only waste your medicine.

If you need to stand and soldier
than I can only get in your way.

If you must be alone right now
then I must be alone as well,

and I hope you read this poem,
so you know that I will wither
if it means that you will thrive.


September 1, 2015

And as a fencer
you’ll master every parry;
they won’t be enough

My guts are hungry.
I will deprive them
of what they desire,
because they are my guts.

My muscles are lazy.
I will bend them
to my harsh will,
because they are my muscles.

This is what it takes
to be more than a
sniveling pile of meat
bobbing about like it’s
something special

Or at least I hope it is

Scared To Death

August 28, 2015

I am just a man.
Nothing more, nothing less;
Oh, please forgive me

Pride Goes

August 27, 2015

I am a proud man
full of virtue, I am sure,
and prone to ignorance

I thrive on the meat
that is selfishness;
I wallow in the ichor
that is my own petulance

I always know better
and if you ask me
I will tell you just that

Never mind that you have
trained your whole life.
Never mind that I have
only read a couple messages
on a message board

I am a proud man
and I am human garbage,
so it should be no surprise
if you toss me out.


August 21, 2015

Among the nimbi,
That is where I’d like to be;

I can’t stop shaking

August 20, 2015

A pathetic shell
wrapping fragile flesh and blood;
I’m lost without you

Dust Bowl

August 16, 2015

Castles made of sand
fall regardless of the sea

You can wrap my lifeless corpse
in any fucking flag you’d like
before you set it on fire
and roll it
in to your favorite lightless precipice,
Which I would guess to be your soul

I would start over at the beach
with my heart tied in to knots

But I would make every mistake
just the same way I made it the first time
except with a bit more certainty

Even though I would know
I was wrong

I spend time inside
my mind
where It’s as cold as I remember
but I can’t quite see
the ocean from where I sit
so I crane my neck
but I’m at the end
of my literal actual rope
and as sweat beads down my face
despite the frozen breeze
I forget all the love I’ve had
as my muscles bulge larger
and darkness overtakes me

And I know nothing here in this black
so I don’t care when the others come
to take me
even though I would fight
but there’s just no fight left in me
dead like this.

No-One Is Listening

May 30, 2015

You are a pirate transmitter in an ocean of unauthorized frequencies
that cascade together creating distortion and static

My receiver picks up on a stray, clear transmission every now and again
so I can piece together your path based on your current bearings and location

I know that you have undertaken a grueling course through dangerous waters
without the help of your officer, who left you and your few crew members for another ship

The most of it, though, is hissing noise washed out by other radios with bigger amps
and one day among the swirling interference, your signal will go cold

Maybe I will notice.
Maybe I will not.

But based on my most recent data
I will be forced to understand, unfortunately,
that you have drowned

And that none of us other broadcasters
had taken enough time from our programming blocks
to help you out at all


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