Jack
November 26, 2008
There once was a Jack from New Jersey
who suffered greatly from pleurisy.
He went out West
to clear up his chest.
It worked. Then he died in a car crash.
Best-laid plans
November 6, 2008
Death! I tell you. DEATH! I say
to capitalism next Wednesday.
I know you hoped to try tomorrow,
but I’ve got tickets to my favorite show.
Is “The Little Mermaid” more important than our freedom?
No, though we can learn a lot from the underwater kingdom,
but I bought the tickets five months in advance,
before we’d even started on our plans.
On Saturday there’s a Macy’s sale
that I can’t miss…oh, don’t go pale…
Death! I tell you. Bloody death I say
to capitalism on Wednesday.
It won’t hurt to look good for the revolution,
and I need a suit for my cousin’s wedding.
Sunday there’s a football game, Monday there’s another,
and Tuesday I’ve got dinner with my mother.
But Wednesday’s free,
as we will be!
We’ll slaughter all those capitalist pigs
next Hump Day, I promise…oh, figs…
Madonnna’s in town; I forgot that I had tickets.
You can come; it’s best that we forget it.
There’s just no planning a revolution.
Hopefully pessimistic
November 3, 2008
That is,
I’ll believe it when I see it,
but I probably won’t see it.
The Nadir of Book Publishing
November 1, 2008
Stop Whining,
Start Living–
one of the lamest books
that ever was scriven.
Portez toujours votre ceinture de sécurité
October 30, 2008
A querulous kid from Quebec
died in a conflagrant car wreck.
“Ah, merde,” said his mère,
but she didn’t care.
He was a fils de pute pain in the neck.
Probably not
October 29, 2008
Have you noticed–
no,
I suppose not
because otherwise
this would have already
been mentioned–
that in all this palaver
about the plumbers
and the farmers
and the so-and-sos
and the what-nots,
no one seems to care
about Ned the Poet?
An American Wet Dream
October 28, 2008
In my free market wet dream
you were there massaging me
and you were dancing naked on a stool
I hired a street urchin to crumple up dollar bills and throw them at you
and you were there to wipe my chin
and all the happy slaves were dancing in the streets
because the system was egalitarian
meaning slavery wasn’t based on the hue of one’s flesh–
though I admit few were white or whitish–
it was a simple economic choice…
I mean talk about job security…
the market kept them safe.
Freedom I forgot to mention isn’t free…
It costs me lots of of money
or did in my free market wet dream.
Reactionary Floodlights
October 21, 2008
It’s morning all night
on my block now;
the protective light streams through my windows uninvited.
I can live with loud conviviality in the courtyard;
I can live with domestic disturbances
and nearby drug deals
and skateboarders climbing the fence.
I can even live with “Go poopy” bitches,
but I can’t live with these motherfucking night-stealing, million-watt lights above my window.
Mencken says:
“I do not believe in democracy, but I am perfectly willing to admit that it provides the only really amusing form of government ever endured by mankind.”
Granted, but I do tire of the ads.
On Presidentialness (Stop using the word “gravitas”)
October 17, 2008
I overheard some asshole
whining, “Where are all the Lincolns?”
And, “Where’s the George Washingtons?”
Lincoln had a squeaky voice,
and Washington was a little bit pompous,
and if this dumb shit had lived in 1789
he would have grumbled that Washington just wasn’t quite, you know, kingly enough.
A Ned Chrestomathy: 8 virtual pages of shit
October 10, 2008
Wanted:
A girl with breasts that sight destroy
When viewed in full in fleshy nude,
A girl who squeals in peals of joy,
And reaps the spoils of pulchritude.
***
I often quote myself, dear friends, since nobody else will.
I think, when I am famous, I might quote my own work still.
Every editor on Earth apparently is blind.
Like a maxed-out credit card, all my stories get declined.
***
I once knew a guy who knew a guy from Nantuckett.
He didn’t trust banks, not even credit unions, so he kept his money in a pail.
His daughter, Nan, ran off with her lover,
along with the pail of money,
and Nan and her lover had sex in unorthodox fashion.
***
Ned’s not un-American—
America’s just un-Ned.
If the radio begs to differ,
The radio can drop dead.
***
Woof! Yeah that’s right baby shake that tail oh dog I’d like to get my paws on her oh what I wouldn’t give for a little bit of that poochtang.
***
Ant makes grasshopper buckle down. Mistake. Grasshopper justifiably angry.
The ant said, “I am willing to concede that you may have been technically right all along, grasshopper, but you were wrong to be right, and I was right to be wrong.”
The grasshopper died a few years later and, like his neighbor the ant, didn’t leave his family shit.
***
Because my pizzle pounds the pavement, I keep it wrapped in gauze
***
Here’s the key to life’s main question:
happiness is good digestion.
Aspects of Postapocalyptic Visions
October 9, 2008
Mad Max wasn’t bad…
The Road is rubbish
(the film will probably be better than the book)…
Waterworld & The Postman are underrated (if overlong)…
Of course, I’m leaving out many titles…
The point is that Mindwarp beats The Matrix
because it stars Bruce Campbell.
Roger Mugs
rcribay
Ned
timsaslacker
joshuagrace
Julio Chapluzki
freakynewchild
Poeta Maximus
David X. Hugo
