June 25, 2011
Dandelion and crossbow, shape of an eternal queen
in a constant brawl against the forces of blah
gesticulating her lack of remission, she was born by comparison
with a disclaimer of all she could be
a poster child for mercurialness and incompleteness,
colorful and blind, hopeful and loud, sultry and brave
Life attendees throw words like spires
in a swift race for her light and desire
before another season comes and withers her
she who isn’t herself yet, she who is dust motes
whirling in a morning sky
half-shy still, she’s got a halo that kills
like a well-kept feline
she hops to places she does not know
diffusing soft light, and
in a tarzanic fervor swings on electrical umbilical cords
landing her static heart green with moss before a cosmic plug
her wiring need repair, her lights are going out
her dreams in hover, all her imperfections and compulsions
roll up a red carpet, in total resignation, to
an organic culture she cannot fully encompass
May 21, 2011
you’re a male bimbo and I’m a pond fish
in the hands of a hungry man
it’d simply be best if you’d just unfasten your belt
we’ll not fulfill any happy endings or jump through walls
Look at me, I am already losing my inhibitions with lemons
so step on a chopping board and bear all that must pass
in any other world, we could skip this crooked path
but it’s not so easy to catch up to all that we have not become
Sometimes, you have to reach the end to be more than the skin you’re in
so it’d simply be best if you’d just surrender your defenses and lie with me
I had sworn to never re-read stuff I have written, yet at around 3:30 am, I found myself doing just that. Only to realize the outlandish fact that it’s been three years since I have joined S&S Much to my shock and dismay (given the non-committal side of me ) you’re slowly turning into the freakin’ love of my life which is troubling to say the least (but in a good way).
So having (somewhat) known you guys for some time, I think confessions are in order:
# I have never told anyone about the fact that I write at S&S (nobody has actually read any of the stuff I’ve written-possibly because I have yet to like any of my scribblings- I am just glad/surprised you put up with it)
# I am secretly convinced that none of you actually exist (like I have never thought of you as actual human beings- you sort of exist in a parallel dimension)
# My shadow personality is like Foma Fomich (“The Village of Stepan-chikovo”), tyrannical, self-important, master of the universe, full of crazy antics [except my universe has a population of exactly 1, thus having no human beings/servants to malign or demonstrate my moral and religious superiority to (although I have no clear life guidelines/morals/ethics to speak of, I still insist that they're the best), I am simply absurd]. In short, like Fomich, I am a person who lacks awareness and is not able to understand the disparity between what he actually is and what he believes he is* (I am paraphrasing someone from a blog I don’t quite remember the name of.)
# Candy is to me what fresh blood is to vampires
# I have imagined & written tons of recipes/scenarios for some of the Disney’ s characters ( I think Tweety could turn into a quite tasty stew for Sylvester, and let’s not talk about Road Runner, I have contemplated kidnapping executives of the Disney Corp and forcing them to produce multiple cartoon (cooking )shows where Coyote Rock catches, cooks and eats Road Runner in a souffle, or as a summer barbecue or kebabs over sautéed rice (ah, the choices… Don’t judge me, I think it is only fair- those creatures had it coming).
That’s it, I have no more confessions/trivial facts to share. Actually, I could have written this in an email, but I decided to trespass on the wonderful space reserved for poetry because that’s how I roll, I am a Rebel without a cause(what am i saying ?! oh the shame, the shame, it’s not 1955 anymore).
“He was not born to shame.
Upon his brow shame is ashamed to sit.”
April 19, 2011
..when the outside breathes close to my window, and that the door squeaks
and the friends we don’t want any more invite themselves into our days
Behind curtains, dissolving in … I know I am in trouble
(each season gets harder climbing besides you)
my fingertips run words on your skin hoping to
trace and connect oceans of lights together in a gentle beat
But, you close your eyes floating in the distance
Tossed out into the mountainous region of your heart, I spiral into dizzying patterns
the headwind hits hard and I need control
over someone like you (looking for balance and perfection)
safe behind sturdy fences.
March 20, 2011
I would like to go there
flowers in my hair
climb that wall too tall for me
hear the angels whisper again
Someone is waiting for me
to grow out of rain and loneliness
but I am a pterodactyl lost in the scorches
and ridges of existence
March 15, 2011
Violent mornings of birds chirping, scattered nail clippings
and mid days of doodling, cafeteria nightmare of pointless chatter
and incessant chewing and gulping, and afternoon worn-down faces and
listless corpses, then sunset’s corrupting leisure of beer drinking, corrosive seduction, and self-abandonment up to the midnight burps (a Cinderella’s reminder to not bring any stranger home or their STD s ), echoing mama’s “your body is a temple”, thus stumbling back home, and halfheartedly munching on the thought-resolution that “Nobody will fill my emptiness with crap!” And all is well and good until another morning comes out pointing at the zombie in the mirror, and insisting on selling its soul at auction to somebody else who could do better with it.
March 7, 2011
When I was 17 my heart was gray
then came stilettos, cigarettes butts
and love at arm’s length.
I lived life as if it was real
But things don’t really change
I still lie alone besides a railroad
breathing in sunset clouds and
whispering to myself “dream go slow”
February 25, 2011
Your life plays out like a David Lynch movie
scream you’re not on a winning streak
you loser laughing in a ditch
you lack the beauty of Ilych dying
your wife will forget you, and your children too
kiss your old mistress goodbye
she will miss your pocket money
poor soul self-hypnotizing to sleep
with a “god loves me”
no more, no more
“when you grow up, you will understand…”
“don’t forget to brush your teeth”
“you know mommy loves you, right?”
poking your underbelly
like a “I wanna be your dog.”
You fool seizing on barbiturates
you should have cried
a manly man is only good alive
but not to worry
your pastor will weep, and your friends too
the sun will rise
birds will fly
someone else will fill your spot
better than you ever did
“finish your dinner”
“smile for the picture ”
“don’t forget to say thank you”
and remember “monsters do not exist.”
February 18, 2011
Bring in the buzz, and the death too
at the foot of our homes
lift my dress up
pray Buddha pray
beads roll under your thumb
like chanting bellybuttons
Kill the buzz, and the death too
February 10, 2011
“are we alive?”
dancing in the night
give us light
a run for our veins
“are we real?”
crashing out in air traffic
of sky blue pain
“are we …?”
boundaries of grace
give us meaning
(a filling for our soul cavity
a rhythm to our decay)
peace to our howling scars
a foray into the underworld: there are no freaks anymore just friendly neighbors wearing white smiling pure form smiles and jovial acquaintances with nebulous eyes and slurpy revolutions. And also, distant relatives with their dogmatic dogs and inebriated cats scowling over yesterday’s newspaper. Why can’t they just stay home? That’s what walls are for, to keep the crazy crazy ! Don’t worry me, I am busy with despair …
January 30, 2011
I am done wishing
for the wind to come
for a voice to whisper
for I have unloved another and another
claiming the moon as my excuse
for the open window in my heart
and the vagabond somersaulting over and over
my brain’s wheel and chains in a
dull shrill infatuation for a body and the next
until my poor toes, dipping deep in dreams of water cool, and gray carpets of 10yrs dirt,
yelled “nothing comes when you wait”
not a bridge, a ladder or even a rope
So I am done wishing
for there will be no higher ground
just the godless amphibian within
clutching on invisible lines
tying worlds together in an unholy carcass of love
watching it flicker, turn bigger and disappearwith sorrows of winter past
January 14, 2011
(In a season of false strength and defiance)
Waves of man
somber and cruel
screeched steel, plundered the sky
and plucked out light and innocence
eternity had dreamed out for them
to kneel in, to die in
A birthing of vestigial heroes on a sacrificial plate
for the one eyed god of Jealousy
to torment until the flock of days inure
their gaze to flows of sorrow, and the
Once-upon-a-time-heroes like paper cranes fly
down a damp ravine lamenting yesterday’s thick foliage
left with dreams of individuation
a leaf, a rope or a comb clinging to heaven’s roots
in a dark night forest.
(silence was a friend and a foe).
December 14, 2010
a melancholic wave
in a silver-green night
his fingers pressed joy upon
lips and expiring pineapple cans,
imprinting eternity and warmth.
Street lights, shadow worries
and steaming breathes twisted threads
of his existence
only the wind hurled a “hello, I want to hug your bones”
November 30, 2010
Uninvited like a brick lying on a seabed
Hole-heartedly wasting away
never minding god and men,
mulling over fishes’ easy swims in dirty water
November 3, 2010
I think you’re a sick joke from mother earth, and meeting you was my loss.
From now on, I shall endeavour to forget about your very insipid existence. But before I do, I wish you’d crawl back to your poor mother and seek her forgiveness. She shouldn’t be blamed for the monster you are. On hindsight I am sure she would have turned prochoice on you, hurling your satanic ass in a limbo. Then again the demon lord must have his dues, and you are it.
That said, if you must be a bitch of darkness at least put some effort in it. Do not just work a shady corner. Go global, go genocidal. Have a vision or something. That is my last advice as a friend.
At least when you finally land in hell, you will be able to proudly say ” I have done fantastic work for you!” Maybe then will your master let you sweep Hitler’s ashes from the grimy bathroom floor while he unleashes his horde of minions upon you. Do not get all coy, let them enjoy your suffering as they showcase their craftmanship to you. I am sure their creativity will literaly blow your mind. Let the next fiend do the cleanup!
I am sure down the ammonic hole, there will be enough cannibals more than willing to feast upon your splattered brain. Perhaps Idi Amin will do you the honor. At any rate, they will all have their turn as you explore together the meaning behind words like eternity and despair.
That being said, I will waste no further time on you, or keep you from your vile plans. I wish you nothing, but the worst. Do not keep in touch. I look forward to not hearing from you again. Kindly disappear.
Go to Hell
October 8, 2010
The winter is a comin and
I have got no potatoes left
Oh Lordy lord I am on my way
to starvation road,
Little scrawny Gee points at the holes
In his shoes, saying
” oh sister will we make it to good ol christsmas ?”
Da and Ma ran away to heaven, and so
Baby Jesus comes each year to us with charity soup
He is a nice old baby, thousand years old and everything
I wish he’d bring cake instead.
September 28, 2010
Get me a pill a sadness kill
an acre of kaleidoscopic hope
a jolt for my shadow child, and
vivid crayons to seal him on an
immaculate page, and I
I will be your eldorado
your rumbling mut
your lucky charm
your warm coat for the winter
I will be a sunshine touch on your
acoustic heart strings.
July 16, 2010
Sally squanders bits of youth on the dance floor
like a tit in a trance, boogying towards death without resistance,
her body quivers and twitches in a lovely meaningless despair,
she is digging for truth. Intangible and eternal.
Her beauty is in the moment; a transient luminiscent energy firing up her atoms in an electric storm.
July 11, 2010
Last night, a god dreamt about me,
and I saw myself in the flow of his dream.
Amidst the vortex of thunderous thoughts,
the eye of creation was ever watchful.
It was a moment of intense gratification and heightned love,
for this sublime higher being had a spot for me in his consciousness.
I was the red wine stain on the cosmos’s wedding gown.
The universe was festive and I was bold and depraved,
wildly engulfing myself in the brightest stream of light.
I had not a care. I was a mere fabrication,
thereby disengaged from any morale obligations.
Far from the grasp of gravity and
the vicissitudes of a life rooted in a consensual reality,
i stemmed from the dream instead and
bloomed in vivid space.
June 17, 2010
You leave me alone in your apartment,
I feel dented, swindled, and hanged up like the abstract painting on your wall.
I wrap your white bed sheet around my neck , it holds better than your words… when you pretend to see Me as larger than life; you’re so snug ego-boosting me, and like an ailing puppy I need you.
I fidget from wall to wall wearing your leather shoes and your tshirt, big enough to get lost in and forget that I am who I hate the most…