She mistook my drunken cheerfulness for a pleasant personality

this being my favorite:
In my long short life I’ve never been big on refunds or exchanges
once something is in my hands,
no matter how chipped, dysfunctional or useless,

and:
I could bathe in chocolate and strawberry creme
but I would never be the satiating treat she craves;

and then the last line is a great kicker… well done… sad… but well done